I'm Not Myself Today

I try to keep my spirits up, even in situations that seem to have no bright spot. Some people have a problem with that, including the Mrs.. She seems to be under the impression that I must not care about our current dire straits because I try to keep my chin up and my outlook positive. It's the only way I can cope with the constant disappointment of sending out resume after resume without any callbacks. See, if you apply to a job through one of these online dealies, more often than not there's no phone or address to follow up with. If you're lucky, you might have an email address to send a follow-up letter to. But that doesn't gaurantee a reply.

So I must have sent out, by email or fax, over 35 resumes this week, to jobs gleaned from websites and newspapers. just a nibble or 2 as a result. Normally, I would just brush it off and start again fresh the next week, leaving Friday to cool down.

But the Mrs. gave me such hell about it today that I am in a constant state of rage. The kind where you tear up because it's either that or put your fist through something. Sometimes, it feels like all she worries about is money. And if that's the case, then I made a mistake in my choice of life partner. She wasn't alweays like this. She drudges up the past as a weapon to humiliate me, especially where my choice to care for my newborn son over keeping a job which paid only well enough to pay for a full-time sitter and little else afterwards. She always acts as if I'm not trying hard enough, like I could really be effective knocking on doors. Employers don't respond well to that anymore. She goes on about me not wanting to pay fees for state job exams 3-5 years ago, when I wasn't interested then. Although I am now, she acts like my change of heart is unacceptible. Are people really so convinced that you are not/should not be able to change your stand on things?

Later in the day, I had Bubba at the park while the Mrs. visited her mother in the nursing home. While playing on the slide, he got too close to the older kids there. I told him to watch himself. The older kid next to him obviously only heard the part where I said to watch himself, not whose named I called because he blurted out "screw you! you can't tell me what to do!" to which I replied, up in his grill, " I WASN'T TALKING TO YOU, ASSHOLE!!!" The kid said sorry reeeeeal fast and backed away. I think I scared him, maybe a little too much. Oh well; if you want to be a smartass, you have to take the bad with the good.

Friday/Saturday, 1:10AM
Just got back from Long Island. Sort of a family/friend gathering. Kept to myself mostly, drank thier Heinies and ate thier food. Could have been worse, I suppose. Tired now. Night.