whatthefukever

I've been dealing with a lot of complicated feelings lately, which is another way of saying I've been depressed and anxious.

Some of the blame for this is obviously on the classes I'm taking. One (the math) is hard for me and I really am disappointed in myself for some reason, as I remember what I was capable of doing in that arena almost 30 years ago. I was a math whiz, so to speak. But that's lost now, probably from the years I drank too much and managed to forget most of what I knew.

The second is going well, but I am always wondering if the next project will screw my grade up, mainly because the class is built on the idea that your grade is tied to your other group menber's performances. I don't really like that. Here's hoping there aren't more classes like that in my future.

On the home front, I recognized that of late I had been more agitated than usual, prone to arguing over the stupidest things at the drop of a hat. So I spoke to my neuro, who thinks it may have something to do with all the stressors of school, home life, the pending SSD case and etc.

Long story shorter, he prescribed me some anti-depressants. And in the 2 weeks I've been taking them, I've seen improvement. But psychotropics and I have a past, one I loathe. And therin lies my current conflict.

My mother, nut that she is, had me going to doctors for any little misbehavior when I was as young as 6. From what I've been told by others, it wasn't really that I was ADD or something (not that they knew what that was in 1972), but she couldn't deal with me due to her own problems. So... medicine. This was a trend until 18, when I was able to legally take myself off them. In later years, I asked for some from time to time, thinking perhaps I needed them. In retrospect, I probably didn't.

But now I feel I do. For whatever reason, certain aspects of my personality exaggerate themselves lately, and the drug does curb that. My libido is affected a little, but only a little so I can live with that.

What bothers me is, after all this time, I have a real need for them.

*sigh*

More before X-Mas.

Ta-ta