the State of the Snausage: Nov. 2006

My Fellow Americans,

As many of you know, I have been pursuing the lofty educational goal of a degree for some time. Today, I am going to speak to you on the status of that particular venture, and it's possible ramifications for the country and the world beyond.

You might recall I began this semester with the stated goal of obtaining passing grades in Statistical Mathematics, Group Dynamics, Elementary Biology and Abnormal Psychology. Because of the year-round semester structure of LaGuardia Community College I am only currently active in the first 2 of these classes, with the second half of the semester dedicated to the remaining 2.

I began this semester with a grade point average above that of 3.5; I knew that if I was unable to satisfactorily complete the math class, the possibility existed that my grade point average would slip, albeit temporarily. I accept responsibility for this decision; it was not made lightly. After weighing all possible outcomes the conclusion was made that further preparation would not ready me for the task ahead.

The fact of the matter is, I am not as capable of memorizing complex mathematical formulas and their implementation as I used to be. Age and the consumption of near-fatal doses of alcohol over the scope of nearly 20 years has rendered that part of my brain capable of these feats significantly damaged. I do not say these things with a sense of pride. If it were at all possible to reverse the damage, if some means were available to me to improve my ability to think in mathematical terms rest assured I would have availed myself of them. Alas, they were not.

As of the time of midterm examinations, I have aced the Group Dynamics class, and feel confident I can lead the group I am assigned to towards a high grade. This is no easy task, as the group facilitator originally assigned lacks the assertiveness and decision-making capabilities I have (which is saying something considering I usually hate to involve myself in leadership functions). In essence, I have usurped the group, and remain in control of the final presentation. All signs show success on that front.

However, even if every possible resource were to be implemented, even if every offer of assistance taken - still, the outcome of the statistical mathematics class is a bleak one.

At best, a grade of 'D' can be hoped for at this juncture. Now before any of you get excited about this, I would like to remind you that a low score in class which is not my major will be looked at in a less critical fashion as if I had failed, say, Abnormal Psychology. And as you are all aware, I have never gotten less than a B- in any class since I began this venture at LaGuardia, and never less than a B+ in a class involving my major. I believe these points will be enough to allow for a single poor grade to be overlooked when the time comes.

I do not look upon this as a failure. Failure implies giving up, letting go, throwing in the towel. I am doing no such thing. I have merely accepted the fact that I cannot excel in every aspect of knowledge. In short, I am bad at higher math. This is not something I am ashamed of; my efforts in writing and art more than support my ego through this admittedly difficult juncture.

But I am confident that once completed I can pass on towards victory and graduation. This is not a time for second-guessing, for my enemies to try and take advantage of me. Understand that this minor setback does not change anything: I am still within the top 10 percentile of community college students in the United States of America, according to the Phi Beta Kappa organization at the college. This will not change.

America has been supportive of me through these trying times. I ask for patience. I ask for continued support. I ask for your indulgence.

Thank you.